Complete and Total Misinterpretations
by Heavenly Keelala
Summary: A series of conversations take place between Spock, Kirk, and Bones and are overheard by the rest of the crew who misunderstand their meaning. Hilarity and hopeless confusion ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not make money off of any of the following characters, I promise. The recognizable characters, AKA all of them, belong to CBS Paramount, Gene Roddenberry and most recently J.J. Abrams.

A.N.: My name is Heavenly Keelala and this is my first fanfic so please be gentle. I love to read reviews that are left for other stories because they tell you so much about the body of work. Please feel free to leave rave reviews and even flames, but if you must leave a flame please give evidence and state a clear reason, or I'll be really hurt. I love criticism because it makes me a better writer and makes for a better story for everyone to read.

Now it's time for some background about this tale of misunderstandings. This started when my friend Leo6656 started me on this trend when she created a story called _Not What It Sounds Like_. She had the brainstorm and posted the first chapter and subsequently I helped her write the second. To those of you who are following it, the third chapter is in progress, but Leo6656 has been stuck with writers block…for 6 months. I'm currently "putting a flame under her tush" to get her over it. So to pass the time I wrote a story of my own. I hope this is well received and look forward to reading your reviews. Until next time.

Heavenly Keelala

Chapter 1

"How are you feeling today, Captain? Did last night's activities help?" Commander Spock asked.

"No! I have a bad knot in my neck from that last position you had me in. You were totally being selfish!" Captain Kirk replied while holding his neck and shoulder where they met.

"I was not being selfish Captain; I was simply trying to teach you something new. My apologies for causing you discomfort."

"I can't turn my head to the left anymore! How am I supposed to work like this!" Kirk continued dramatically, ignoring Spock's apologies and acting like a child with a tantrum.

Spock sighed, "Alpha Shift will be over soon and I will be happy to work that knot out for you Captain. After all, it's the least I could do to serve my Captain."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't profit from any of these characters.

A.N.: Hi there everyone! I just wanted to thank everyone who visited, even if you didn't leave a review, I was still very very happy with all of the visits. Special thanks go out to MyriadProBold for leaving my first review ever. You really made my day. And to answer your question, I've almost finished this story. I'm just putting the finishing touches on the final chapter. But I'm having a little trouble with it because I just want it to be perfect. I promise that I'll get the next chapter up as soon as I can. But be warned its finals week and it may be two weeks before it gets finished, so please bear with me.

I'd also like to give a BIG thank you to my beta Leo6656 for all the help she's given me. Without her impute Spock just wouldn't be Spock.

Chapter 2

Communications Officer Lieutenant Uhura was waiting for the turbolift to open while looking at the most recent communication transmissions from Romulus and New Vulcan. The recent destruction of the Vulcan home world at the hands of a rogue Romulan from the future forced an uneasy truce between the Romulans and the remaining population of Vulcans, now dwindled to a few hundred. So intent was she on the translations that she almost missed the turbolift as it opened and started to close. She happened to glance up just in time to stop the lift from closing and leaving her behind…again.

She gave the command for the turbolift to drop her off on the floor with the mess hall with an absentminded air. She continued to read as the lights flashed by on the turbolift walls, normally a distraction now a nuisance, the flashing messing with Uhura's ability to read the screen clearly. Frustrated she lowered the pad and pinched the bridge of her nose.

Finally the turbolift came to a halt and the door opened with its normal hiss of hydraulics working with ease. Before the doors were fully opened she could hear the voices of the Captain and the Commander arguing…as usual.

"You're right; it's the least you can do. It's your fault I have this knot, you will definitely work it out," Captain Kirk said to Commander Spock.

Uhura's eyes widened with shock. They opened further when Spock said, "I'll come to your quarters this evening prepared to work through the night of its deemed necessary to do so."

The lift's doors opened fully to reveal a petulant Captain and an emotionless Commander looking at each other while standing in front of the turbolift doors. With the opening of the lift doors Spock and Kirk turned to enter the lift only to see it occupied by Uhura.

"Lieutenant Uhura, a pleasure to run into you," Kirk said with obvious forced pleasantry, pain etched in his face.

"Yes, a pleasure Lieutenant," Spock echoed as they waited for Uhura to exit the lift. She stood there for a moment, frozen from what she had overheard.

They stood there for a minute just staring at each other. Finally Kirk said, "Are you getting off here, or on another floor?"

Uhura started from her frozen state and said, "Yes of course," as she exited the lift, walking in between her superior officers. They in turn entered the lift, first Kirk followed closely by Spock. She turned and took one last look at the pair as the doors closed. Confused she walked down the hall to the mess to get some food. As she ordered her food she shook her head and convinced herself that she had miss heard her superiors. They couldn't possibly be sleeping together. She laughed at her own wayward thoughts and pushed it from her mind.

Seeing an empty table she grabbed a chair and sat down, placing her food in front of her. Placing the data pad next to her she started to eat, thinking about the changes that had occurred since the battle with the _Narada_. She and the Commander were no longer seeing each other. He needed some time to come to terms with the destruction of his home world, deciding to throw himself into his work rather than seek comfort in another's company. Or so she thought. Uhura always thought something was off about his breaking off their relationship, but she just thought it had been a part of his need to grieve.

Again she shook her head and discarded the notion that the two highest-ranking officers aboard the _USS Enterprise_ were in a relationship together. As she was picking up her data pad Ensign Chekov and Lieutenant Sulu sat down at her table.

"How are you, Lieutenant Uhura?" Sulu asked as he started to dig into his meal.

Uhura looked up and smiled at the boys, "I'm doing fine. I was just checking the communications between the Romulans and the Vulcans. I wanted to make sure that they ran as smoothly as possible. What have you two been up to?"

Despite being the Alpha Shift's navigator Chekov was only seventeen and there were times, like now, when he showed every one of those years. He started to bounce adamantly in his seat in his excitement to tell her his story. "Vell, as Sulu and I vere leaving ze residential deck ve over heard ze Keptin and ze Commander talking to Dr. McCoy."

Unable to resist the bait Uhura asked, "What were they talking about?"

Sulu took over the discussion, "Commander Spock was asking Dr. McCoy what the best position was best to relieve tension. And Dr. McCoy was explaining that the best way to relieve tension was to have the person affected lay on his stomach and then use a gentle massaging action. He also said that it worked best if the one giving the massage mounted the back of the one receiving the massage." Sulu took a breath and was about to continue when Chekov burst out the remaining tale.

"Then Dr. McCoy asked vhat they vere doing to cause ze tension in ze first place. Ze Commander and ze Keptin looked at each other and ze Keptin blushed. Ze Commander vhispered vhat zey did to the Doctor and zen ze Doctor blushed as vell." Chekov continued to bounce in his seat as he busily shoveled food from his plate to his mouth. Uhura was surprised he wasn't choking on any of it.

"That's really interesting," she replied, and then she grew quiet. Could it be possible that the Captain and the Commander were seeing each other secretly? Who would have thought that the two men who fought the most could become so intimate with one another? She continued to think as Chief Engineer Commander Montgomery Scott, also known as Scotty, sat down at their table.

"Well, you'll ne'er guess what just 'appened." Scotty started.

He was about to continue when Chekov eagerly asked, "What?" and started to bounce in his seat more.

Scotty looked at him for a moment and then took pity on the youth and didn't reprimand him. "I remembered that I forgot te give my verbal report to the Cap'n. So I decided that I would go te his rooms and give it te 'im there. But when I got there I heard a strange noise comin' from inside the room. I could hear moaning an' grunt'n. At first I thought that the Cap'n was hurt and was about to break in and 'elp 'im when I heard 'im say, 'Hardur Spock, hardur. Get deeper.' That gave me a fright and I turned aroon' and came straight here. I wasn't goin' te be th' one te disturb 'em," he finished.

The entire table was silent. None of them could believe what they heard. Then Chekov, being the youngest of the group said, "Let's go listen some more."

There was a loud sound of dissent from the others, as each of them said "No they wouldn't dream of it," in their own ways. And then silence reigned over the table for a full minute before everyone rose from their seats, put their trays away and quickly exited the Mess Hall and headed for the turbolifts. Their destination, the Captain's quarters.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Captain's quarters, Spock sat up with a satisfied sigh. "Now that I have loosened you up, it is time for more."

Kirk with a cocky satisfied grin replied with a mocking, "Indeed."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer- I don't own anything related to Star Trek

AN- Hey there everyone. Sorry that I haven't updated recently. I've been crazy busy with school and had no time to work on fun things. As it stands now, I have finals in a week and needed a stress release. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Any feedback is appreciated and I look forward to hearing what you have to say about my story. I hope to update again soon because of summer break, hopefully I'll have more time for fun things.

Chapter 3

The air was thick with tension in the turbolift as Commander Scott, Lieutenants Uhura and Sulu and Ensign Chekov rode to their destination. Uhura could hardly believe what she had been told. How could they have been in a relationship and not let on to anyone in the crew? The fact that they would keep it a secret from their closest friends, friends that had been with them through war, was like a betrayal of some unspoken trust. Her lips were pressed together in a thin line and her eyes narrowed in her anger. As they reached the correct deck she took a deep breath and prepared for what was to come.

The doors opened with a hiss, Uhura was standing in front of the doors and was ready to exit when she was shoved aside by an exuberant Chekov who shot out of the door and started to run down the hall. His peals of laughter echoed back to the rest of the crew in the lift. Sulu, with a shake of his head, followed his excited friend down the hall, hoping to catch-up with the youth and make sure that he didn't alert the subjects of their spying endeavor.

As the remaining occupants exited the lift they heard a muffled thump from down the hall. Being a gentleman Scotty allowed Uhura to leave the lift first and then followed her, allowing the lift to close and go on to another level. As they walked down the hall, getting closer and closer to their destination they saw a peculiar sight.

In the middle of the hall Sulu was sitting, rather calmly, on the back of a struggling Chekov. Uhura and Scotty froze at the sight, and soon Scotty's chest started to rise and fall rapidly as he started to laugh, his hand rising to his mouth to keep the sound from escaping and echoing off the walls. Uhura too started to laugh, just less boisterously. Quickly they sobered and helped Sulu and Chekov up off of the floor.

Uhura held up one finger to her lips in the universal sign of silence and they walked two doors down to the Captain's door. Sulu kept a hold of the back of Chekov shirt to keep him in line.

Uhura was the first to approach the door. Carefully she placed her ear on the surface of the door, and listened intently. Within moments her cheeks began to flush. Her hand rose to her mouth in her shock and she quickly stepped away from the door.

Chekov broke away from Sulu and rushed to the door with hardly a sound. Eagerly he placed his face against the door. In less time than it took Uhura, Chekov's pale skin became a deep red with his blush as he stepped away from the door. Both of his hands rose to his face and covered his enflamed cheeks.

Sulu was next and had the same reaction as the others. Scotty didn't bother to listen at the door, because he could guess what was going on in there.

Uhura gave a hand signal and the four of them walked down the hall to speak.

"All right, let's not jump to conclusions," Uhura started.

But Chekov was way ahead of her, "Zey really are sleeping together? Zey are in a relationship!" he said excitedly. But then he stopped bouncing with joy for the first time in the evening when he realized what it meant. "Vy didn't zey tell us?" he asked in a sad and disappointed voice. His shoulders slumped with the weight of his unhappiness and Sulu put a comforting arm around his shoulders.

"I'm sure they have a reason for not telling us," Sulu said in an attempt to cheer up his friend. "Maybe they were afraid that we would reject them for their relationship." But his attempts could not cheer up his comrade despite how sound his reasoning was.

Scotty stood off to the side, not saying a word, simply trying to absorb all that occurred in the last few moments. Uhura was also quiet. As much as she would have liked to come up with a better explanation, she just couldn't.

They stood in the hall for a time until they heard an exuberant, "YES!" coming from the Captain's quarters. The voice was unmistakably their Captain's.

The four stood there in the hall, frozen, only to jump when the sound of the door opening echoed down the hall. They turned to run, hoping to reach the turbolift before they were caught, but it was too late. There was nothing they could do, no where they could run. They were going to be caught spying red-handed.

The group looked at each other and prepared for the worse. The Commander was the first to exit the room; his face devoid of all emotion as he walked out of the room with his perfectly straight posture and his hands rested gently behind his back. Once out of the room he turned to look at the Captain who lounged against the doorframe with a look of smug satisfaction.

"Now you promised Spock. You can't back out of your promise now," Kirk was saying to the Vulcan.

Spock raised an eyebrow and replied, "I can back out of my promise if you cheated. It is only fair after all."

Kirk laughed remembering the last time he cheated in the presence of the Vulcan. "But all is fair in love and war," he countered.

"I do not see how this could be considered fair," Spock continued. "This will be the last time you get away with cheating. The next time I will retaliate and you will not be so lucky Captain."

"You say that now and yet you let me get away with it every time, Spock."

Spock turned to walk away, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with the Captain. He had since learned that arguing with the Captain could lead to illogical assumptions and go on for days. As he turned he noticed the group standing in the hall. "Good evening Commander Scott, Lieutenants Sulu and Uhura, Ensign Chekov, was there something you needed of the Captain?" he asked them.

The group visibly started and Scotty answered, "I forgot te give th' Cap'n my verbal report."

"Well Scotty, what's the verdict?" Kirk asked.

Clearing his throat with a cough Scotty said, "Everythin' is normal sir, we can get under way when you're ready, Cap'n."

"That's great news. We'll get on our way in the morning," Kirk said as way of dismissal. They snapped to attention and turned to walk away, but before they get far enough they heard the Captain say, "Now, Spock, you promised and I expect you to be ready tomorrow at the beginning of shift."

"Yes Captain."


	4. Chapter 4

AN- So first I owe everyone an apology for not updating sooner. Life got crazy with graduating with my Bachelor's and applying to different colleges to start my Master's. Well inspiration finally kicked in and I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations of me. I also wanted to say "Thank you" to everyone who have read my story in my absence, as well as to those who left reviews. And I'll admit that it has been the emails notifying me of people saving my story to their favorites or adding it to their story alert list that have reminded me that I owe you another chapter. Now for another "Thank you" to everyone who have waited patiently, or not so patiently, for an update. You all deserve better than the time it's taken me to put this together. I also thought I should let you know that this is the end of this particular Misinterpretation, but not the end of this story as a whole. I have decided to make this a series of misunderstandings between the crew. Now I just need inspiration for my next chapter.

Well in the famous words of Tigger "TTFN, Ta ta for now!" And look out for more chapters to come!

Chapter 4

Lieutenant Uhura rose from her bed to get ready for Alpha Shift. She had had trouble sleeping because her mind was filled with questions about her Captain and Commander. Were they really in a relationship? What did this mean for the rest of the crew? There were strict rules about fraternization between co-workers, especially when it came to upper command. What if the Federation found out? There would be consequences that everyone would have to live with.

Barely able to eat she headed for the Bridge. As the turbolift doors opened the start of shift was sounded. Uhura was walking to her station when she noticed something very unusual. Captain Kirk was sitting in his seat. He was actually in his chair on time. He was sitting there ready to start the day. In fact he was sitting there with his chair facing the turbolift, like he was waiting for someone. Uhura looked around and saw that everyone was present, everyone except Commander Spock. And what was stranger still was that Dr. McCoy was present as well.

The Commander was usually the first one on shift every day and yet he was not there. Behind the Captain's chair Chekov was frantically trying to get her attention. Uhura took the hint and walked over to his station.

"What's going on?" she asked in a whisper.

"Ze Keptain vas already here vhen ve got here," Chekov said eagerly.

"We have no idea what's going on and Commander Spock isn't here," Sulu added.

Uhura was about to go to her station when the turbolift doors opened again revealing Spock. All noise ceased as he stepped onto the floor. The Commander was not wearing his uniform as he usually does. Instead he was wearing a strange shirt that she vaguely remembered being called tie-dyed. The swirling mix of colors on the shirt nearly distracted the eye from the rest of the clothing. The Commander was wearing a pair of pants made out of a rarely used blue material. Her grandmother had had a pair of pants made out of that material for a costume, but Uhura couldn't remember the name of it. The pants were fitted from waist to knee but then flared widely around the Commander's feet. His normal hair was covered by a wig that towered above his head in a mass of curls. His eyes were covered by tinted glasses and a peace necklace hung around his neck.

A light flashed as Captain Kirk snapped pictures of the Commander. "Spock you look perfect!"

McCoy started laughing at the Commander dressed as a 1960's hippie. "Ya green-blooded hobgoblin, ya look ridiculous. How'd ya get him to dress like that Jim?"

Kirk smirked evilly as he steepled his hands in front of his face. "I won a bet! Take that Mister Spock!"

Uhura finally getting over her shock approached Kirk. "Sir, I don't understand. What is the meaning of this?"

"It's quite simple really. Spock and I had a bet going and I won."

"But what was the bet about?"

Kirk smiled evilly, "I asked Spock to teach me a martial arts move, the same one that has had me on my butt so many times before. He agreed and we started practicing. He threw me so many times in that first hour I thought I was going to be one massive bruise. So to save my ego I made a bet with Mister Spock here. If by the third training session I hadn't thrown him I would shave my head. You all know how vain I am about my dashing good looks," he said while flipping his hair, "I just couldn't lose. And here you see what he had to do if I won." Kirk stood and practically skipped over to Spock and started circling him. "I have to ask, where did you find the proper clothing?"

Spock raised an eyebrow, "I merely had the computer recreate them." He was so matter of fact about it that Kirk laughed.

"Yeah Jim, all you have to do is program the computer to give you what you need and there you have it. I'd swear we didn't go through the same training together if I hadn't been there myself," Dr. McCoy piped in.

Kirk's jaw dropped open, "Of course I knew that. Don't patronize your captain."

"Oh, I humbly apologize for whatever slight I may have given you sir, I mean _Captain_," McCoy said with a mock salute.

Uhura and the rest of the crew on deck could only watch the strange occurrence happening in front of them. Chekov left his station and said, "Keptain?"

"Yes Chekov."

"Is this ze only thing ve need to know?" he asked.

Kirk looked between Spock and Bones unsure what was being asked of him. "What do you mean Chekov?"

Turning bashful Chekov was unable to answer his captain. Sulu rose from his seat and cleared his throat. "Sir, we were under the impression that you and Commander Spock were in a secret relationship."

No one said a thing and silence reigned over the deck until Dr. McCoy burst out laughing. Kirk shortly followed the Doctor's example and soon they were clutching their stomachs laughing their butts off. Tears formed in their eyes as their hilarity continued.

Spock watched their merriment for a moment before saying, "I don't understand what you two find so amusing. I'm sure you realize the enormity of this misunderstanding."

Continuing to laugh Kirk said, "Spock there's no 'enormity' to understand."

"I disagree. What if this situation was brought to the Star Fleet's attention? We would be facing questioning and possible reassignment. Not to mention that a formal inquiry will be on our records and there would always be a question of our being in a relationship," Spock said.

McCoy tried to take a calming breath, "No one would have taken it seriously Spock. You and Jim are on opposite sides of the spectrum that it would be ludicrous to even give it a moment's thought."

Chekov frowned in the background, having been the first to jump to that conclusion. "I don't think it's ludicrous," he said. Sulu patted him on the shoulder, trying to lift his spirits.

"It would almost be as bad as the Vulcan here being in a relationship with Scotty," McCoy continued.

"What was that Doctor?" Scotty's voice came booming through the speakers making everyone jump.

"I was just making a comparison," McCoy started.

"A comparison I donnae appreciate. Ye keep yer comparisons to yer-self and leave my person out of it," Scotty said. "Oh and Captain,"

"Yes Scotty?"

"I believe ye promised me some pictures. I have yet to receive them," he said in a near singsong voice.

"Of course Scotty, they are coming your way now," Kirk said as he sent the images to his Chief Engineer.

A moment of silence passed until Scotty's thundering laughter filled the deck. "Ach I've never seen a funnier sight. Ye look ridiculous Spock. I cannae believe ye let the Captain do this to ye."

"I had to honor my wager with the Captain Mr. Scott," Spock said. "If that is all, Captain, I will go change into my uniform now." He turned to leave but stopped when Jim called out to him.

"I believe the wager was for the whole shift Mister Spock, not just for a few minutes. After all it had to be equal to my losing my glorious locks." The deck snickered at this.

Spock turned around, "Sir the rules are very strict about proper attire while on shift. What if we were to enter a combat situation?"

Jim seemed to think about it for a moment, "I don't care. You are wearing that all shift."

"As the Captain commands," Spock said. "But let the records show that I protested this complete disregard of the proper dress code."

"So noted Mister Spock."

Uhura tried to work despite the distraction of Spock's attire. As she worked she wondered what else might happen while on their journey.

AN- Well, that's the end of this particular "chapter." Remember to stay tuned for more! Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! May the season be bright and filled with love for all! And thank you all once again for reading my story. I look forward to hearing from you.


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